He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
