Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
