Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
