I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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