a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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