Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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