I wish I could punch you in the face.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
