my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
