I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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