so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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