last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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