I look better un-naked...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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