We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
