I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
