Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
