just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
