My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
