found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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