took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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