Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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