Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
