Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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