i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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