my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
