I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
