Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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