STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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