For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Oh god it's open bar.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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