My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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