Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
