omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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