i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
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What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize