watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
