You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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