i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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