My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
