Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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