Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
