She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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