I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
