When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
