I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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