if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
