my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
