...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?