Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you didnt know i had herpes?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
