I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
