When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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