John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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