He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
