Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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