Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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