I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
