She is in my trunk
Your dad touched me again.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
