her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
