i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
