hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
